It's been, what? Almost two years since I last wrote here? Pheww so many things I've gone through now!
Last time i wrote here i was on my first 3-month semester break, and now I'm already on my 6th semester. One more semester to go and I'm losing my sanity each and every day. So many things have happened, and of course I'm here again to tell you about it :) mostly just my stupid lovey dovey thing though. I hope nobody sees this lol it's embarassing enough to know someone actually found this blog.
Oh and by the way, we're in the middle of the pandemic crisis called Corona virus aka Covid-19 soooo we're asked to work and study from home and do self-quarantine thingy. It's been 3 weeks and I'm honestly SO BORED. I've tried doing some things which I'll explain below.
So, yes, this is a post about my ex. My other ex that I had been lucky to spend my 10 month with. After my last post here (which was about my first ex lol), I got close to someone who lives like approx. 600 kms away from me, through Tinder :) yup i'm a dating app girl after my first ex HAHA.
I think we matched on my way back to Jakarta by train at that time. Soooo we talked a bit on the app, then we moved on Whatsapp, in which i ignored him for almost three weeks (because I was kinda bored, i didn't feel it, ok?).
We started getting close in mid August, talked intensively on Whatsapp until we decided to have a call at the end of August haha. It was good. He's.... a bit awkward. But he was a good listener. 3 days before my birthday he asked if i wanted us to have a meet up and of course i said yes! Long story short we met in October, he visited me in Jakarta for a few days. Yup, that's how our story started.
We met a promise (sort of?) to meet every other month so after October, we met again in December, in my hometown. It was really good to spend almost a week with him. THEN we met again in March, i forced myself to spend the long weekend with him (thank God the Friday class is changed into an online one so i could go from Wednesday), which failed because he got dengue fever, but I (tried to) took care of him during our time there. By the time I got back from Surabaya I got typhus lol.
And that's where everything got complicated. We didn't know when we could meet again because we were busy with our every day life. In the end, we met in August last year in Yogyakarta to spend the holiday together. I was so happy I finally got to meet him after a while!! But yeah he wasn't so much excited. Or maybe that's just how he is like. When the trip ended he asked if we could just be friends, because it's getting tiring and we don't know where we're going, and we don't even know when we'd meet each other again....And I know this conversation would come up and I had prepared myself for this, I even knew the answer... but boy was I shocked. We (I) cried the whole night because it really made me sad. I don't even know why. I mean, I saw it coming.
Yes, we broke up two weeks before my birthday. Yes I spent my 25th birthday being happy on the outside but also sad on the inside knowing he's not there to celebrate it with me. I CELEBRATED HIS. It's saddening to know how much you loved someone...yet he didn't give the same amount you gave to him. Yes I spent my whole 5th semester crying a lot because I didn't have him as my support system anymore. Yes I spent it hanging out with a dozen guys from dating apps to ease me from the loneliness. Yes I regret everything yet I couldn't help myself doing that. Yes it was the semester where my GPA is the lowest. YES I STARTED KEEPING QUESTIONING MY WORTH ALL THE TIME when he told me he's seeing someone new.
It hasn't been easy. I really tried to move on from him, but honestly it's not as easy as it was with my first ex. This one..... it hit different. He was so good he never hurt my heart he always treated me so well and then poof! One day he told me he wasn't that much in love with me (if at all) and said "let's just be friends, shall we?" it's crazy it even hurt me waaaaay much more than the first one! And it;\'s not that I didn't have any faults, I did have some but it was really difficult to let him go. Even up until now and that's why I'm writing this. It worked writing about my ex here, it really helped me let go and move on and that's why I'm here.
It occured to me that my mourning for him is no longer useful in my life, it even gets me intoxicated so I decided it's enough. Just a few days ago I decided to tell him the truth, like the TRUTH truth. Also i decided i'd delete his contact, our chat and everything else related to him. And on top of it, i cut my hair short :) this is to remind myself that I'm more than able and capable to make my own decisions -- and be happy about it. Also to remind myself that I'm always worth it whatever the situation is. That it's not about me, it's just him that can't love me the way I should be loved. That it's okay to have a hurting heart, and that it's okay to take a while to move on.
And here I am, taking one step ahead towards moving on.
