i have tried to comprehend my mind for the past year. it's all blurry and grey and full of sadness.
i remember june 14, 2023. the news that my mom has cancer just arrived at my very own phone. i remember crying, and desperately texting you about the news. i sounded so helpless, and asked you to stay. a day before that, i discovered you were still in a relationship.
how come when i am ready to love, it's always for the worst person possible?
i still remember how we matched back in 2021, 2022, and then 2023. i remember we talked a bit abouta certain personality test that has a spotify playlist on it, idk... maybe you already knew me by then? man, your brain is so messy. how could you remember me, everything about me, in just a split second like that? how could you innocently just talk me through things, and even went as far as manipulating me into thinking you fell in love with me too...
it was august 2023 that i tried to look for you again on that app. and we became close... it had to stop. but in 2024 we became close again...
i remember feeling like you are my twin. the way you think, the way you observe people, the ways you go through to get what you want. your aspirations, your dreams, all are similar to mine. what the fuck. i've never met someone like you... and yet you managed to destroy that in the meanest way possible.
once there's no mystery, you're gone... and i had already known that all along. you came, and you swayed me around, and then you left. that's it. no explanation.
this was a different kind of love. if it was love in any way... it was two years after my last relationship, and i thought i was ready to love again. but no, it was just lust, probably... you only used me and then you left again, leaving me with unmet promises.
i remember feeling very hollow once you were gone for the first time. i remember applying for a master's degree to the same university you went to, only for me to realize it wasn't about you, it was about me seeing me in you. i wanted to follow your sun, but you were a lying sun.
all you did is lie lie lie. manipulate manipulate manipulate. playing tricks on everyone, making people think you love them, when all you want is the satisfaction that people have control of you.
i have forgotten what good traits you possess, yet i still can't seem to forget about you. lurking through other people's windows until it becomes too much. i guess at one point this has to stop.
i remember feeling your love, flowing to my ever dry heart, for a moment i was heaven struck. i kept yearning for you until i decided it was too much. you will never see me the way i had always seen you. but that;s a reflection of ourselves, i think.
this is a very lame writing, but i just wanna say this: i loved you, and you wasted that. fuck you. i hope you live with that version of self for the rest of your life, without any growth in sight. good bye.
