1403

 i have tried to comprehend my mind for the past year. it's all blurry and grey and full of sadness. 

i remember june 14, 2023. the news that my mom has cancer just arrived at my very own phone. i remember crying, and desperately texting you about the news. i sounded so helpless, and asked you to stay. a day before that, i discovered you were still in a relationship.

how come when i am ready to love, it's always for the worst person possible?

i still remember how we matched back in 2021, 2022, and then 2023. i remember we talked a bit abouta certain personality test that has a spotify playlist on it, idk... maybe you already knew me by then? man, your brain is so messy. how could you remember me, everything about me, in just a split second like that? how could you innocently just talk me through things, and even went as far as manipulating me into thinking you fell in love with me too...

it was august 2023 that i tried to look for you again on that app. and we became close... it had to stop. but in 2024 we became close again...

i remember feeling like you are my twin. the way you think, the way you observe people, the ways you go through to get what you want. your aspirations, your dreams, all are similar to mine. what the fuck. i've never met someone like you... and yet you managed to destroy that in the meanest way possible.

once there's no mystery, you're gone... and i had already known that all along. you came, and you swayed me around, and then you left. that's it. no explanation.

this was a different kind of love. if it was love in any way... it was two years after my last relationship, and i thought i was ready to love again. but no, it was just lust, probably... you only used me and then you left again, leaving me with unmet promises.

i remember feeling very hollow once you were gone for the first time. i remember applying for a master's degree to the same university you went to, only for me to realize it wasn't about you, it was about me seeing me in you. i wanted to follow your sun, but you were a lying sun.

all you did is lie lie lie. manipulate manipulate manipulate. playing tricks on everyone, making people think you love them, when all you want is the satisfaction that people have control of you.

i have forgotten what good traits you possess, yet i still can't seem to forget about you. lurking through other people's windows until it becomes too much. i guess at one point this has to stop.

i remember feeling your love, flowing to my ever dry heart, for a moment i was heaven struck. i kept yearning for you until i decided it was too much. you will never see me the way i had always seen you. but that;s a reflection of ourselves, i think.

this is a very lame writing, but i just wanna say this: i loved you, and you wasted that. fuck you. i hope you live with that version of self for the rest of your life, without any growth in sight. good bye.

The Things I Hate About Men (in my life)

 

1. Dad

I hate that my dad loves my little sister more than me.

Even though he’d deny it, it’s present in his eyes. The way he always talks and brags about her so happily. The way he put a picture of them together on their Whatsapp’s profile picture. And it’s not that i am jealous. Fairness is all that I ever demand.

I remember the day I turned 27. It was MY birthday yet he still managed to get a ticket to meet my sister ON THE SAME DAY. He COULD HAVE WAITED ’TIL THE NEXT DAY.

It’s the way his eyes flickered when i told him about about my future plans. Even though i never bothered him with these things. I don’t ask for his material support. I don’t ever wanna become a burden to anyone.

I remember the time i told him i was gonna take the French DELF B1 test. I had already paid for the test, i was just telling him what i was gonna do. he seemed disapproved, and asked what’s the point of it. then i told him that i already paid for it, and he shut up. that in itself is fucking hurting like what’s the point of you being my dad if you don’t believe in my dreams and support them?

Would he do the same to my little sister? I bet you a billion dollar USD he wouldn't. she is the most precious thing who doesn't remind him of the worst days of his life (that btw were mostly spent when he was with my mother).

I hate that he continued to live his life without me. he was living his best one, even. i hate that even though he KNEW my mom was toxic and manipulative towards me, he did nothing. he just acted like nothing happened, ignoring every minor clue that i gave him that says "I FUCKING NEED YOUR HELP" all bcs he doesn't want more burden and he doesn't want me to ruin his new life. he practically dumped me.

i hate that, after all those freaking hurting years i spent taking care of my mom (forcefully, i had no other choice), i still had to beg him to finance my school (because again, i had no choice). to be considered as a decent father you should have had done that a long, long, long time ago, dad.

so many things he did hurt me, and the worst thing is, he doesn’t seem to recognize that these things hurt. i feel like he needs to get on a set of therapy so that he could recognize parts of him that need healing. i know he needs healing too. his father is a scumbag who traumatized the shit out of him. how could he not be the same if he doesn’t understand the pattern?

2. Best guy friend

I have this one guy who turned out to be a friend. he was my senior in high school. we used to talk on a daily basis on bbm for one year non-stop. and no, there was no romance involved. we continued talking -- though not intensively-- up until this year.

when i moved to jakarta, turns out he also moved to jakarta. mind you, our friendship since 2010 was mostly maintained online. in 2018 we met each other and had a nice talk, he was pursuing master's degree. which i think was cool. especially since his bachelor's degree was the same as mine.

i looked up to him the way a younger sister looked up to his big brother.

there was no romance involved. never have i had a crush on him, and vice versa. never had i been bothered by all the girlfriends he had, or jealous in any kind of way.

but i guess things change within time.

i know what he is like, and i know the kind of girl she's looking for. so i introduced him to a college friend of mine, who happens to be one of my close friends in uni. so i introduced both of them to each other.

i had never thought about it myself, but i thought i made a good decision matchmaking him. 

i think this is where i made the mistake. because now i see him for who he really is.

turns out, he didn't see me the way i see him. i thought of him so highly, you know, like a big brother that i look up to because we are from the same field, pursuing the same thing in this big city. though the level of work is different, you still get the idea.

but maybe to him i was just an annoying junior, who happens to have a gorgeous friend he somehow is interested in.

it makes me so sad the way i realize the difference he treats me with his other friends. and i could only see it now, i could just realize that now that i got him close with my close friend.

i am so so so so so disappointed. but i guess that's the price of having high expectations of someone and ignore the fact that you should see someone for who they really are.

i feel like somehow, maybe, this is who he actually is, but i had made up such image of him in a very good way that i was so shocked he acted this way. i should've known better.

now i feel like i need to lower my expectations to anyone. and that all friendships are seasonal.

i don't mind if eventually my friendship with him strays even further. maybe it was meant to be like this anyway.

--

--

you see, the things i hate about men in my life is that, the more consider them as important, the faster and the easier it gets for them to hurt me. should i just not have expectations -- even to those whose lives are important to me? this is crazy. the bar is in fucking hell.

Late late April Mop

 Oh hey there. it's been a very much while since i last wrote here. i'm just gonna type fast here and not care about capitalization yadda yadda yadda.

you know what i'm about to write if i ever write here, right? lol.

ok just a quick update, i graduated university last year, the announcement was january 2021, and the ceremony (?) was held in early march. i was so happy and so thrilled to finally get my bachelor's degree. i know i am late than everyone else my age but that doesn't matter because i was and am always gonna be doing my best with the circumstances thrown at me.

anyways, so i got my first ever full time job at an online news media company. i stayed working there for ten months before i finally got out. it was a nice experience working together with indonesia's best journalists really!! and yeah i am doing social media. pretty much a thing from a girl who's scrolling too much on social media right? been joking about this to my mom like "hey mom remember when you commanded me to stop lurking on the internet too much? yeah, i never thought i'd do that for a living lol" and she laughed.

anyways after that i went hermit for like, a month..? i quit my job mid january and got offered a new on exactly at the same date the next month lol life is funny. i am extremely grateful but yeah i just want to point it out: life. is. freaking. funny. might as well say "just laugh at it" :D

in fact, 2021 was a quite funny year to me. i thought 2020 was the silliest but boy was i wrong. 2020 was about the poor mental state i was in, and also financial struggle, and trying so hard not to get too crazy finishing my thesis. lol because of the pandemic i wasn't able to meet a lot of people and that really wrecked my mental health. and since i was financially struggling it made it harder too for me to do things i normally did, so it was like hhrrrrrrrghhhh i want to splurge to release the stress but i just couldn't! and then came the thesis hurricane lol tbh i procrastinated working on it for like three months...? (in my defense, my thesis advisor was ignoring me the whole time i asked for a feedback tho), until she decided to reach out and help me out omg she's the best i wish you all the best things madame!

in 2020 i was also seeing someone, it ended up lasting for 10 months. i didn't even know my reason to be together with him, but let's say the timing was just right? and i thought he was having the same struggle with me and all that, and since i thought we both need a support system, might as well synergize, right?

the first time i met him it all just felt so right. everything just clicked: he's also still finishing his thesis, he's two years older than me, he's communicative, etc etc and i really thought we'd become the right couple. but then, and maybe there's a lot of other factors unmentioned but i just didn't feel it again with him.

probably because at first i thought we could synergize because we were on the same page in life, but that's not what it turned out to be. we're just too different, and i just couldn't accept him the way he is. not to mention he's very possessive and was easily jealous even though i was just hanging out with my GAY friend! wow writing this is not easy because i still feel angry about what he did to me lol. his laidback-ness is also what i couldn't tolerate, but maybe it's just me not appreciating him as who he is.

but yeah in that relationship i think we kinda hurt each other? he kept not trusting me fully and was always suspicious of everyone, to the point he forcefully held my phone, and blocked or followed any guy who, wome of them, are barely close to me romantically. i guess i was just too friendly to everyone lol. but yeah it became overwhelming and i just felt really suffocated near him. it was as if he waited for me to cheat on him. for the record though i never did so that actually really hurt me. you think possessiveness is cute no it's creepy and sick as fuck lol.

and actually, not only that, he was also ENVIOUS OF ME when i graduated earlier than me! i mean i guess you can be possessive and all that, but ENVIOUS? OF WHAT I HAD TRIED TO FINISH YEARS AGO IF IT WASN'T BECAUSE IF THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT WERE OUT OF MY CONTROL? i really lost it at that time but foolish me, i forgave him and gave him another chance. i guess you shouldn't be jealous of one's achievement though, what put you in your situation the first place? you yourself right? make it make sense!

and then a lot of other things.... his envy towards me, his mocking my first job (Coba lihat deh BBC Indonesia instagramnya lebih bagus daripada CNN) yeah and where were you at that time? how did you finish your thesis? by yourself? oh no? oops sorry i couldn't help it!

his lazy efforts of helping me, his unstable emotions, his insecurities... one day i really lost it and called it quit. i don't want to be with someone so insecure so not sure of himself whose masculinity is so fragile that he couldn't control himself when his gf achieved anything faster than him, like... i just can't.

so we called it off but we went cursing each other up until early september. that's when i decided we really should stop cursing and called it off for good.

but i guess he just wasn't up to it yet, because that month, i actually tried to open up again to someone new. and i don't know how he knew it but he just kinda knew..? (i guess he had a second account, probably masking as an online shop that i accepted as a follower on instagram, i removed all of them after that lol), AND STARTED SENDING ME CREEPY UNINVITED THREATENING EMAILS. yup you read that right. he blackmailed me. he even sent a really uncalled, unnecessary, and super improper DM to my best friend like, she doesn't deserve that trauma you know? what the hell.

that's when i thought he really is not a good person for me and i am so glad we broke up.

i packed all the things he once gave me and sent it back to his address. he still stalked my getcontact up until october i guess? it was still really annoying but since i was moving on i didn't care enough about it.

i heard that he's back with his ex gf though, the one before me. and they're engaged now, i believe.

judging from how he was still head over heels for me, i think that was too fast. i think that's his way of keeping his mind from getting hurt from our memories together. but it's not too fast if you see it from the perspective of everyone else around him, i guess? they were together for 7 years lol. i was just a way for him to re-route back to the right track HAHA.

I'm not mad at all though with them engaging (i mean i don't have anything with his fiancee), he is nobody to me and i am nobody to him. we met on a bus and then i decided to get out of it and hitchhike, that's all it was to me.

i am just sad that we weren't a good person to each other, that somehow, the time and effort we put into it didn't really make it work. some nights, i must admit, i scrolled back to my IG story archives, and though most of the times i feel cringey and stupid, no matter how bad the relationship was, how toxic it was, i couldn't help but thinking "did i really just lose the love of my life? will i ever be able to be loved the same way again, if not, much, much better? will there be someone out there who really cares for me?"

but don't worry, after that i always checked on our latest messages and emails and i'm not regretting anything again HAHA. as much as i was a bad person and influence to him, God knows how much i cared for him. how, for the longest time, i really wished we could be together forever, how i really put my efforts, despite my unstabilities, tp make it work for us. and i acknowledged that he was the most serious ex bf. it was my most serious relationship with someone really.

idk why this "moving on" post isn't as lovey-dovey as the previous ones lol maybe because it was too damaging and it was hurting me too much because it really affected some of my important life moments. all i remember is the anger i had for him because of his possesiveness and insecurities.

but yeah i think i am making peace with that.

dude, if you're reading this (i know you still watch me from time to time haha), i just hope you don't disappoint or even hurt your fiancee just like you did me :)

and this is my first and last writing about you, happy about it? lol bye!!