The Things I Hate About Men (in my life)

 

1. Dad

I hate that my dad loves my little sister more than me.

Even though he’d deny it, it’s present in his eyes. The way he always talks and brags about her so happily. The way he put a picture of them together on their Whatsapp’s profile picture. And it’s not that i am jealous. Fairness is all that I ever demand.

I remember the day I turned 27. It was MY birthday yet he still managed to get a ticket to meet my sister ON THE SAME DAY. He COULD HAVE WAITED ’TIL THE NEXT DAY.

It’s the way his eyes flickered when i told him about about my future plans. Even though i never bothered him with these things. I don’t ask for his material support. I don’t ever wanna become a burden to anyone.

I remember the time i told him i was gonna take the French DELF B1 test. I had already paid for the test, i was just telling him what i was gonna do. he seemed disapproved, and asked what’s the point of it. then i told him that i already paid for it, and he shut up. that in itself is fucking hurting like what’s the point of you being my dad if you don’t believe in my dreams and support them?

Would he do the same to my little sister? I bet you a billion dollar USD he wouldn't. she is the most precious thing who doesn't remind him of the worst days of his life (that btw were mostly spent when he was with my mother).

I hate that he continued to live his life without me. he was living his best one, even. i hate that even though he KNEW my mom was toxic and manipulative towards me, he did nothing. he just acted like nothing happened, ignoring every minor clue that i gave him that says "I FUCKING NEED YOUR HELP" all bcs he doesn't want more burden and he doesn't want me to ruin his new life. he practically dumped me.

i hate that, after all those freaking hurting years i spent taking care of my mom (forcefully, i had no other choice), i still had to beg him to finance my school (because again, i had no choice). to be considered as a decent father you should have had done that a long, long, long time ago, dad.

so many things he did hurt me, and the worst thing is, he doesn’t seem to recognize that these things hurt. i feel like he needs to get on a set of therapy so that he could recognize parts of him that need healing. i know he needs healing too. his father is a scumbag who traumatized the shit out of him. how could he not be the same if he doesn’t understand the pattern?

2. Best guy friend

I have this one guy who turned out to be a friend. he was my senior in high school. we used to talk on a daily basis on bbm for one year non-stop. and no, there was no romance involved. we continued talking -- though not intensively-- up until this year.

when i moved to jakarta, turns out he also moved to jakarta. mind you, our friendship since 2010 was mostly maintained online. in 2018 we met each other and had a nice talk, he was pursuing master's degree. which i think was cool. especially since his bachelor's degree was the same as mine.

i looked up to him the way a younger sister looked up to his big brother.

there was no romance involved. never have i had a crush on him, and vice versa. never had i been bothered by all the girlfriends he had, or jealous in any kind of way.

but i guess things change within time.

i know what he is like, and i know the kind of girl she's looking for. so i introduced him to a college friend of mine, who happens to be one of my close friends in uni. so i introduced both of them to each other.

i had never thought about it myself, but i thought i made a good decision matchmaking him. 

i think this is where i made the mistake. because now i see him for who he really is.

turns out, he didn't see me the way i see him. i thought of him so highly, you know, like a big brother that i look up to because we are from the same field, pursuing the same thing in this big city. though the level of work is different, you still get the idea.

but maybe to him i was just an annoying junior, who happens to have a gorgeous friend he somehow is interested in.

it makes me so sad the way i realize the difference he treats me with his other friends. and i could only see it now, i could just realize that now that i got him close with my close friend.

i am so so so so so disappointed. but i guess that's the price of having high expectations of someone and ignore the fact that you should see someone for who they really are.

i feel like somehow, maybe, this is who he actually is, but i had made up such image of him in a very good way that i was so shocked he acted this way. i should've known better.

now i feel like i need to lower my expectations to anyone. and that all friendships are seasonal.

i don't mind if eventually my friendship with him strays even further. maybe it was meant to be like this anyway.

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you see, the things i hate about men in my life is that, the more consider them as important, the faster and the easier it gets for them to hurt me. should i just not have expectations -- even to those whose lives are important to me? this is crazy. the bar is in fucking hell.