Mercury Retrograde Got Me to Write This

The smallest random things are what will keep me remember you the most.

Let's not talk about your look, because that's what made me fell for you in the first place. Maybe I'm THAT shallow. Maybe not. Maybe I just saw it in you.

I won't talk about how bright your future will be either because we all already know that. I have no doubts in you. You'll do great. 

  

But...

It's the way you got excited at explaining to me all about physics when I asked you to teach me for my exam. You won't remember this, it was a year ago. You won't remember how I was actually really bored, since it's not my favorite subject (yikes), yet there I was, just to watch you talk.

It's how affectionate your cat was to you, she probably still is. No reasons for this. I just love the way you two are affectionate to each other. Maybe I'm just a little bit jealous. Maybe.

It's our random skype sessions, at the most random times. Sleepy and sloppy me, getting even more non-sense at all late at night.

It's us, video call-ing when you were cooking spaghetti. When you said you needed both real tomatoes and tomato sauce to make it tastier. How you turned away your camera when your family was around. When you cut more than one onion. Damn, you're a real Scorpio to like onion that much. I was a bit shocked when I counted that you took two kilograms of pork meat just for dinner of four people. We don't eat that much of meat at one time in my country. But you do you. And that's fine.

It's the random videos you sent through Whatsapp. Instead of sending me the link, you decided to record the video (can we call that "Videoception"?). How I could hear you laugh a bit there. How you felt real to me, that way.

It's how you developed a new hobby: photography. You would send me pictures sometimes, unfortunately I don't know if all those are photographically good or not. It doesn't matter anyway. You developed a new liking to something. That's one of your ways to cope with things.

I love the little frog (is that Kero Kero Keroppi?) you put on your motorcycle.

It's the simple good morning and good night texts, how I got used to it, how it made me feel safe even though you're miles away. 

It's how I got used to you disappearing when I tried to get you into serious discussion about our relationship (or whatever it is we had). Until eventually I decided that it's enough...

We were never a thing. But I guess it's pretty safe to say it wasn't just nothing either. You might see this post as a crap, I don't even know why I'm writing this since I've made a decision anyway. Maybe it's irrational but I just want to have one last good cry. It didn't work out well and that's what got me pissed off the most but this is just a phase, I guess.

And I must admit that I made mistakes too, all the way. That I couldn't "delaygratification", that I just didn't want to be alone so I searched for someone else while waiting for you. I'm sorry for that. I truly am sorry. I pray for your best, always.

All you gotta know is this: it had always been you.